Addicocked – Episode 2 – Pilgrims

(Oswyn is at the door of his room, he is talking to some strangers)

Narrator: Oswyn is at the door of his room, he seems to be talking to some strangers, some pilgrims as some may call them.

Oswyn: Yes yes, the second door on your right. Now bugger off!

(Oswyn shuts door)

Griffin: Who were they, my dear sir?

Oswyn: First of all, I am not your dear sir, let me get that clear and second, they were bloody pilgrims. Seems to be that time of year again, I guess.

Griffin: Ow, my grandmother told me they were nice people, those pilgrims.

Oswyn: I don’t care what your grandmother told you. They bloody get on my nerves. Besides, your grandmother was stone deaf, , seen by the looks of you, very ugly and probably had onions for lunch.

Griffin: She did, actually.

Oswyn: Oh dear, why doesn’t that surprise me?

(Oswyn sits down at the table)

Griffin: Why do the pilgrims come here for, sir?

Oswyn: How many times do I have to tell you, Griffin. Your excellency, your bloody excellency!

Griffin: I’m sorry sir, I have a short memory span.

Oswyn: That’s not all that you have a short of Griffin. That’s not all…


Oswyn: Why are they here for, you wonder? They are here for indulgences, my dear friend Griffin.

Griffin: What are indulgences, your excellency sir?

Oswyn: Some sort of bureaucratic nonsense invented by the Pope to get those poor bastards in heaven, in stead of straight down to hell. Let them burn in purgatory forever, I say! Where’s that bloody Pope anyhow when you need him? Seems to be that time of year that is called the ‘Bureaucratic Time Of Year For The Roman Catholic Church’ or as some want to call it: ‘Bugger’.

Griffin: The Pope, isn’t he in Rome?

Oswyn: As far as I’m concerned he might live in Avignon, I wouldn’t give a damn. The truth is that we’re stuck with all this red tape and it’s about time that someone stood up against it. Now put out those signs like I ordered you to do, Griffin.

Griffin: Ok sir!

(Oswyn stands up, treatens to slap Griffin)

Griffin: Ok your excellency, sir, i mean, ok sir…

(Griffin takes the signs and hurries out of the room while Oswyn sits down again and sighs)

Narrator: One hour has passed.

(Oswyn looks up)

Oswyn: Haven’t we fired you last episode?

Narrator: No, I went to my union and they told me to stay put until further notice.

Oswyn: You have done what?

Narrator (in a louder voice): I went to my union and they told me to stay put until further notice.

Oswyn: I heard you the first time!

Narrator (mumbling): Then why do  you ask it again, you sad old git…

Oswyn: I heard that as well!

(Oswyn stands up and walks to the door)

Oswyn (with doorhandle in hand): Wait till the Archbishop hears about this!

Narrator: As Oswyn walks in anger through these dark hallways of the abyss, he has no clue about what’s about to happen. A strange tension hangs in the air.

Oswyn: You’d better shut up or i’ll come up there and put a strange tension some were at the end of your backbone where no man has ever gone before!

Narrator: Uhm… You mean…?

Oswyn: Yes, i mean there!

(Oswyn swings open the door of the Archbishops head office. He sees a nun scurrying of with just a pair of long knickers on.)

Oswyn: I need to talk to you immediately, Your Excellency!

Bishop: Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something here?

Oswyn: In my point of view you were in the middle of sister Maria Magdalena’s knickers, but that’s not the point here! How come that bloody narrator still works here?

Bishop: He does?

Oswyn: Yes he does!

Bishop: Does he?

Oswyn: I allready told you he does!

Bishop: Ow, let me see, I believe that he talked to his union, hasn’t he?

(Oswyn sighs and intends to leave!)

Bishop: Wait now, before you leave, I was just about to come see you, after I have dealt with Sister Maria Magdalena. What are al those signs about?

Oswyn: Signs? What signs?

Bishop: You know very well what signs I mean! The ones with ‘Indulgences’ written on them and pointing to my office!

Oswyn: Oh, you mean those signs… Well uhm…

Bishop: Well what?

Oswyn: I thought you would like it. Meeting some people. Those pilgrims are just lovely folks, aren’t they? Thought you might like some company.

Oswyn (mumbles): Besides sister Maria Magdalena.

Bishop: Well, I want them removed. Immediately!

(Oswyn leaves and takes the sign on the door of the Bishop with the words ‘Indulgences here, if no one opens, bugger off to Rome’ written on it with him and heads for his room.)

Oswyn: Griffin, get over here and leave that onion alone!

Griffin: What’s all the fuss about, sir?

Oswyn: You remember those signs you put out a couple of hours ago?

Griffin: Signs, sir?

(Oswyn smacks Griffin)

Oswyn: Listen, you blistering idiot, I ordered  you to hang out some signs a couple of hours ago and so you did. Now I want you to get rid of those signs! I could tell you that the signs read ‘Indulgences’ but it wouldn’t matter because you can’t read and that’s only a normal consequence of the fact that your brain has bee, replaced by a peanut!

Griffin: Eh?

Oswyn: Now do as you are told!

(Griffin leaves)

Oswyn: Oh why am I stuck with a brainless idiot for an assistant and a Bishop who’s rather in Sister Maria Magdalena than in study? Maybe I should get myself a housekeeper, a nice female one, with capital hooters and a long blond hair. And then run off with her. Yes, bloody marvellous, isn’t it. Bloody shame newspapers haven’t been inventend yet. Ah well, better wait till the messenger comes around to pass the great news: “Intelligent parish pastor looks for big breasted housekeeper in the vicinity of Canterburry”. Or anything better than Griffin will also do the job…

Narrator: Will Oswyn find the housekeeper of his dreams? Or will he be stuck with Griffin for the rest of his life? See it all in a brand new episode of…

Oswyn: Oh shut up, will you?

To be continued…