Addicocked – Episode 1 – The Introduction

Narrator: The year is 1402. These two men are The Bishop Of Canterbury and Oswald Addicock.

(One man turns his head.)

Oswyn: Oswyn!

Narrator: What?

Oswyn: I’m not Oswald, I’m Oswyn! Oswyn Addicock!

Narrator: Oh sorry, and you? Are you the Bishop Of Canterbury?

Bishop: Yes, of course.

Narrator: Well ok then. The year is 1402. The man with the funny hat is The Bishop Of Canterbury and the other one seems to be someone called Oswyn, Oswyn Addicock.

(Bishop opens door at the end of the hallway.)

Narrator: As they walk through these dark hallways, the bishop opens a door.

Bishop: Oh shut up!

Narrator: What?

Bishop: Yes, shut up. Stop saying everything we’re doing!

Narrator: B…b…but?

Bishop: No buts, sod off!

Narrator: B…b…but…

Bishop + Oswyn: No buts, sod off!

(They both enter the room on the other side of the door. A young man stands up.)

Bishop (nods): Griffin.

Bishop (to Oswyn): Well, this is the man I was talking you about. This is Griffin, the new man in your life!

Oswyn: Oh dear, this looks nice.

Bishop: What are you saying, Addicock?

Oswyn: I was saying that he seems nice.

Bishop: Oswyn Addicock, Griffin. Griffin, Oswyn Addicock. You two will get along just fine. If you don’t mind, I must go, I have some things to settle with the abess.

(Bishop leaves room.)

Griffin: Well, nice to meet you, sir!

Oswyn: Nice to meet me? Nice to meet me? Do you have any idea who you’re talking to?

Griffin: The new pastor of the parish, sir?

Oswyn: I prefer the term ‘your Excellency’, but you’re right, I’m the new pastor, but it will not be nice to meet me, I assure you, Griffith!

Griffin: Griffin, sir!

Oswyn: Your Excellency, Griffith!

Griffin: No, just Griffinwill do! No need to bother with that ‘your Excellency’, sir, I’m just a humble man.

Oswyn: You just don’t have a clue, do you?

Griffin:  About what, sir?

Oswyn: About ‘your Excellency’, my dear Griffin.

Griffin: Well, no sir, I’ve never met him.

Oswyn: Oh my god, look over there!

(Oswyn points, Griffin looks and Oswyn gives Griffin a smack on his head)

Griffin: Au, what was that good for?

Oswyn: For the peanut in your head!

Griffin: What peanut?

Oswyn: Oh, they’ve never told you?

Griffin: Never told what, sir?

(Oswyn smacks him again.)

Oswyn: Never told you that you were the subject of a series of scientific experiments in the dark dens of the abyss, where they accidentally seem to have replaced your brain by a peanut. A salty one. And every now and then, I have to smack you on your head, to keep the peanut in place and working of course. Or so the bishop told me.

Griffin: What, sir?

(Oswyn smacks him again.)

Oswyn: Never mind though. What a pitty the old pastor ran off with his housekeeper, isn’t it, Griffin?

Griffin: Did he?

Oswyn: Of course, he did, the old bastard. He ran off with the big bottomest lady of town. Man, was she huge. With a cleavage from here up till Mozambique.

Griffin: Mozambique?

Oswyn: Well, at least till her knees.

Griffin: Must be a big cleavage, sir.

(Oswyn smacks Griffin on the head.)

Oswyn: Very big indeed!

Griffin (sighs): Lovely…

Oswyn: Lovely? What’s your problem? I’d rather run off with a pregnant dungong who’s stone deaf.

Griffin: What?

Oswyn: Exactly!

(someone knocks)

Oswyn: Enter!

(A nun enters)

Nun: Excuse me, sir, b…

Oswyn: Your Excellency, dear nun.

Nun: Excuse me your Excellency, but I heard someone crying, thought that there might be a problem.

Oswyn: The only crying in this room was the crying of my dear friend Griffin, who got smacked on his head several times by me. And only to help him with his mental illness. The only problem in here now seems to be your presence,  my dear! Now, go say your prayers and bugger off!

(Oswyn pushes nun out and shuts the door.)

Oswyn: Bloody nuns, always running around, eavesdropping on doors of eminent people, falling in and pretending to have heard a scream. We should hang one on a cross. A wooden one. Just to punish her.

Griffin (thinks): Somehow that sounds familiar.

Oswyn: Yes yes yes. Your illness, right?

(Oswyn smacks Griffin on the head and sits down.)

Oswyn: Tell me about your parents, my dear Griffin.

Griffin: Well, sir, I’m an orphan, I was raised by …

Oswyn: Yes yes, blablabla, I’ve got some things to take care off. Keep on talking during my absence, but don’t talk too loud. You might disturb the praying nuns.

(Oswyn stands up and leaves room. Griffin starts talking.)

To be continued…